


Water in his lungs

by some_where



Category: Power Rangers, Power Rangers (2017)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Feels, Gen, M/M, those 5 teenagers found a family in each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-05 05:25:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11571252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/some_where/pseuds/some_where
Summary: Billy deals with the aftermath of his death.





	Water in his lungs

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for graphic depictions of drowning and suffocating throughout the story.

There’s cold water in his lungs.

 

There’s water everywhere – in his mouth and in his throat, in his nose and in his trachea. Water all around him, ice cold and swirling, the salt burning his open eyes. He’s gasping and suffocating, desperately searching for oxygen, but all he can inhale is water. He can faintly hear screams – horrible, gut-wrenching screams of despair, people crying out his name. His friends, helplessly watching him drown.

He tries to swim toward them but he can’t move, his body is sinking like a rock. He wants to answer them, to reassure them, to say _I’m fine guys, I’m fine ! Don’t worry Jason I got this_ but nothing but gurgled water comes out of his mouth. He knows he shouldn’t be panicking, he once read that losing your calm just makes you drown faster, but it’s impossible to remain rational when he can’t breathe and he’s choking and his lungs are exploding in pain and _oh god he’s dying_ , he doesn’t want to die and he can’t leave his mom he’s all she has left, for the first time in his life he has friends and he’s dying, fuck, that’s not fair, he doesn’t want to die.

Tears come out of his eyes, mingling with the water. He’s starting to feel dizzy, but nothing can distract him from his sheer terror and the excruciating pain in his water-filled lungs.

Everything is dark around him and he can’t hear anything but his own choking, and all he can think about is _I can’t breathe I can’t breathe I can’t breathe oh god I can’t breathe_ —

 

 

Billy wakes up with a gasp.

He thrashes against the sheets and claws at his throat, suffocating, not yet realizing that he can breathe. Eventually, he takes in his surroundings : he’s at home, in his bed, the bedside lamp faintly illuminating the messy room. He’s not in the water anymore. He’s safe.

Billy sits up, breathing heavily while his brain tries to convince his body that it was just a dream. Fear and adrenaline are still coursing through his body like electricity and he closes his eyes, trying to inhale and exhale evenly. He rakes his hands through the short tight curls of his hair, again and again and again until his heartbeat finally slows down. His lungs are on fire and his throat is awfully dry, so he gets up and makes his way to the kitchen. He pours himself a glass of water with shaking hands, then stare at it for a few minutes. He’s thirsty but he’s not sure he can swallow water, not when he still feels the phantom pain of that same liquid filling up his lungs and asphyxiating him. Eventually, he empties the glass in the sink and gets coke from the fridge, drinking straight from the bottle. He goes back to his room and starts tinkering on one of his projects instead of going back to bed. Billy’s exhausted, but he knows there’s no going back to sleep, not when he’s terrified he’ll drown again every time he closes his eyes. It’s his fourth sleepless night in a row.

 

It’s been a few days since they’ve bitch-slapped Rita into outer space and saved Angel Grove. The city is slowly rebuilding itself, but Billy is still a wreck. He didn’t notice he had a problem, at first : Rita was wreaking havoc when he came back from the dead, so he suited up and fought alongside his fellow rangers, adrenaline, fear and excitement making him forget about everything else. Afterwards, he celebrated with his friends, went home and hugged his mom for a long time (she was both relieved he was safe and surprised he sought the extended physical contact), then crashed on his bed and slept for two days, his exhausted body trying to recover from the events. It’s only when he went back to the spaceship that he realized dying didn’t leave him unscathed.

As usual, they had jumped into the river to enter the cave, Zack gleefully diving in first. But as soon as Billy sank into the cold water, he started to freak out. He felt like he was drowning all over again, his body forgetting how to swim while he was assaulted by violent flashbacks. He didn’t know where he was anymore, endless dark blue spreading as far as his eyes could see, and all he wanted was to get out of there but he couldn’t figure out how. He actually started to suffocate, thrashing around helplessly, until Jason grabbed him and pulled him down with him to the cave and out of the water. It took him a long time to come down from the panic attack constricting his lungs, his friends hovering in a worried circle around him, until Kim stepped back to give him some space, dragging Zack and Trini with her. Jason stayed with him, close but not too close, probably not to overwhelm him further. He was whispering comforting words, and tried to help him breathe by counting numbers in a soothing, steady rhythm. Eventually, Billy managed to calm himself down, his heartbeat becoming less erratic and the fog numbing his senses clearing out. He kept rubbing his hands over his hair, though, the motion and the texture helping him feel somewhat grounded.

“Billy, are you okay ?” Trini asked in an uncharacteristically small voice.

His head snapped up and he looked around him. Trini and Zack were watching him with worried eyes, and Kimberly was anxiously biting her nails. Jason was still sitting next to him, and he noticed that the leader’s hand was hovering over his shoulder, as if he couldn’t decide whether to touch him or not.

“I’m fine,” he croaked in a hoarse voice.

“You don’t look fine,” Zack argued. “You’re shaking.”

Billy glanced down at his hands, and noticed that he was indeed shuddering violently. He was feeling awfully cold, as if his bones had turned into ice and were freezing him from the inside out. He hadn’t even noticed his teeth were chattering. Jason suddenly got up, walked up to Trini and opened her backpack, pulling out a bright yellow jacket. He put it over the blue ranger’s shoulders, kneeling in front of him.

“Billy—“

“I’m fine, guys, I swear ! I’m just a little cold, that’s all,” he interrupted in a frantic voice. It wasn’t like him to lie to his friends, but he was ashamed of his breakdown and didn’t want to talk about it. He was a superhero, now, a Power Ranger. He wasn’t supposed to be that weak and pathetic.

“Billy,” Jason repeated in a low but firm voice. He seemed worried-sick. “Talk to us. _Please_.”

“I—” he started, staring down at his feet. He sighed, tightening Trini’s jacket around him, and went on in a quiet voice. “I thought I was dying. Again. It’s silly because I jumped into that water a hundred times, but this time it felt like I was drowning. I was… I was reliving that night in the port all over again.”

“It’s not silly,” Kim said with gentleness, sitting next to him. “You _died_. I can’t even imagine how that felt.”

“It felt awful.” It was an understatement, but he didn’t know how else to phrase it. And he definitely didn’t want to think about it long enough to find the right words.

“I’m so sorry, Billy,” Jason whispered. He was twisting his hands, looking wrecked by sadness and guilt.

“What are you sorry for ?” Billy asked, confused. No matter how hard he thought about it, he couldn’t understand why the blonde was feeling guilty. Maybe he was misinterpreting something ?

“We couldn’t _save_ you. You were drowning and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. I should have been able to free myself, to help you before it was too late. But I didn’t. And if Zordon hadn’t been there, you would be… you would have stayed—“ his voice wavered and he cut himself short. He was avoiding the blue ranger’s gaze and his eyes were shining with tears.

Billy turned toward the others, who were looking as grief-stricken as their leader.

“Are you serious ? Do you really think it was your fault ?” he asked them in disbelief. He was angry, angry at himself for making them worry that much. “ _I_ should be the one apologizing. If I wasn’t so weak…” he trailed off, his voice breaking. He inhaled and went on in a much smaller voice, “I’m supposed to be a Power Ranger. How can I protect people if I can’t even hold my own ?”

Jason, Trini, Kim and Zack stared silently at him for a few seconds, stunned and offended. And suddenly, they all started talking at the same time.

“Weak ? _Weak_ ? How can you think for even one second that you’re—“

“Why would you even apologize for dying—“

“You’ve literally saved all of our asses so many times—“

“I will _not_ tolerate any slander against you, Billy, not even coming from you—“

“It’s not your fault if that sadistic alien tried to—“

Billy watched them vehemently defend him from himself, bemused. No one had ever stood up for him like this. He couldn’t help but crack a little smile, touched. Eventually, his friends calmed down, and Zack and Trini plopped down next to him. Now they were all sitting on the floor, close enough to feel each other’s warmth, but far enough not to touch. Billy was relieved that the others were respecting his personal space : even though he had grown to appreciate brief physical contact with them such as pats on the back and brief hand holding, he was currently too distraught to find it comforting instead of distressing.

“Listen, Billy,” Zack started. “Out of all of us, you’re the best Ranger. You’re the one who found the coins and the cave leading to the spaceship, you’re the one who successfully morphed first. You found the Zeo Crystal in a matter of _days_. And you saved my life.” The black ranger smiled at him with emotion. “If it wasn’t for you, I’d be dead. Never forget that.”

Billy smiled back at him, face heating after so many compliments. He remembered how his friend was squirming in agony, face pale and grey as Rita was sucking the life out of him, how it was the most horrifying thing he had ever seen. He’d give anything for Zack to never suffer like that again.

“Zack’s right,” Kim agreed with a nod. “Don’t sell yourself short. Just know that we’re here for you, okay ? If you ever want to talk about it, or just need company, we’re here.”

“And you don’t have to be ashamed about it, because we understand,” Trini added. “Obviously, not the drowning or the dying part. But I know how it feels to be terrified of something that isn’t there anymore, to expect it to jump at your throat every time you close your eyes”. Billy stared at her, taken aback. Trini never opens up about her fears, and he knew it must have cost her a lot to talk about it. He smiled softly at her, touched that she did it for him.

“Just know that we’d do anything for you,” Jason said with a soft expression, making him feel warm all over.

Billy’s grin widened, and he blinked back tears. He was still feeling scared and insignificant, but knowing that he had friends who loved him no matter what and who were willing to do anything to help him made him feel so much better.

“You know, guys, Zordon didn’t bring me back to life. You did,” he said, voice strangled by emotion. “You cared so much about me and each other that the morphing grid activated. Without it, Zordon wouldn’t have been able to do anything. So, thanks for being my friends.”

“Thanks for being our friend, dude,” Zack choked out, uselessly trying to wipe the tears streaming down his face.

They stayed like that for a while, sitting in a loose circle on the hard cold ground, sniffling and silently basking in each other’s presence.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Billy is still struggling. He’s getting better at dealing with his trauma, but he’s far from being there yet.

It’s been a few weeks, but he still takes the long way to get to the spaceship, entering through the cave where the Zords are parked because he still can’t stand being submerged in water. He has trouble sleeping most nights, the visceral fear of reliving his death in his dreams gnawing at his insides. Death in itself is not what scares him, no, being dead was quite uneventful. All he remembers is being in a pitch-dark place, faint flashes of light sometimes swirling by. He thinks he may even have heard his father’s voice. No, what terrifies him is the excruciating pain of the dying process, the suffocating and the begging and the crying of his lungs against the merciless water seeping into them. Sometimes, he spends several days in a row without drinking water, not wanting to feel the cool liquid down his throat, opting for juice or soda instead. He has panic attacks after the nightmares, and finds himself gasping for breath and shaking from a cold that isn’t really there.

He doesn’t tell his mom. He doesn’t want to worry her, especially now that she’s so happy he finally made friends. Not to mention that he can’t tell her about being a Power Ranger, and how else can he explain to her that he’s traumatized because some hateful alien drowned him to death ? No, she can’t know. He loves his mom more than anything in the world, and he doesn’t want to take away the joyful spark in her eyes every time she sees him being enthusiastic or hanging out with his friends.

So he shakes quietly at night, using coping methods he found on the internet to calm himself down. Sometimes, when he’s having a particularly rough night, he calls Trini. She’s always awake because she can’t sleep either, expecting Rita to appear in a dark corner of her room and jump at her throat every time she closes her eyes. She still has scars on her neck where Repulsa dug her long nails in. She and Billy stay on the phone for hours, talking quietly about whatever comes to their mind, or listening to the other breathe until they fall asleep, soothed by each other’s presence. Other times, Zack texts him. The fear of losing his mom coupled with the painful memory of his near death experience also keeps him awake at night. The black ranger doesn’t like to dwell on his feelings, so they just exchange silly memes and comment on cooking shows until they’re feeling less miserable.

Billy also calls Jason, sometimes, and without fail after every phone call the red ranger sneaks out of his house and bikes across town to spend the rest of the night with him. Billy doesn’t mind, he likes having Jason over a lot – they talk and laugh, or Jason quietly watches him work on his latest project. He’s a comforting presence without ever being overbearing. He doesn’t mind listening to Billy ramble about his father, which is a relief because he misses his dad so much, and talking about him feels like having him close by instead of buried in a cold cemetery. (He learned not to talk about his father around his mom, because every time she’d smile but look so very sad, and he’d hear her quietly sob at night.) Every now and then, when he needs some air, they drive all the way up to the mines. Billy finds that he likes how Jason’s eyes sparkle under the moonlight, how deep and warm his laugh sounds. Once, he asks the blonde if he also spends the night at the others’ when they’re feeling down, but he’s surprised when Jason looks away and whispers :

“No. Just you.”

It’s hard to see in the dim light, but he could swear that Jason is blushing.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It’s not all sad and bleak.

There are good days and bad days. On the bad days, Billy’s exhausted and hollow. There’s no sleep for him at night, and he can’t even use his shower properly, the downpour of drops making his skin crawl and his throat tighten until he can’t breathe. He has to use a bucket and a cup to wash himself, and it’s easier that way because he feels more in control, _he_ ’s the one controlling the tides instead of being submerged. On those days, he feels useless and pathetic, a burden unworthy of the powers entrusted to him. He puts on an act in front of his mom so she doesn’t worry, but falls quiet as soon as he’s at school. Despite being preoccupied by his unusual silence, his friends learned to leave him be. After all, they also had their bad days : Jason would stare moodily into space, Trini would ignore them or be extra snappy, Kimberly would get into the stupidest fights, and Zack would just not come to school at all.

On the good days, Billy is his usual self, cheerful and rambling. He is impossibly excited by the whole alien thing and what it means for mankind. He spends days and days studying the ship’s alien technology, trying to figure out the logic and mechanics of it. He understands it fairly easily, to the delighted surprise of Alpha 5 who finally has someone to talk science with. Every once in a while he starts working on a new project, trying to combine alien and human technologies to create new devices. And just like every time he focuses on something fascinating, he gets so engrossed in it that it’s pretty much all he can think about. He ropes the other Rangers into helping him forage materials or test his experimental devices, despite Trini criticizing the recklessness and lack of safety of the whole ordeal (Billy’s devices may have almost maimed them a couple of times, but he’s getting close to his goal, he swears). He hasn’t told anyone about it, but he’s even thinking about finding a way of making the spaceship fly again. On those days, he sleeps pretty well at night, tired out by his researches.

Actually, most days he’s happier than he’s ever been. He has amazing friends who care about him as much as he cares about them, and who have his back no matter what. He used to dread lunch breaks and detention and all the bullying that came with it, but now he’s looking forward to it, because he gets to spend time with four of his five favorite people. They hang out after school and have a group chat, and if he still values his alone time, he loves spending time with them and is glad to not be lonely anymore. He can’t stop marveling at the fact that he has super strength and speed, and he spends a lot of time testing his limits with his friends. They don’t train as often as they did when Rita’s threat was imminent, but they still regularly meet up at the spaceship to learn how to better use their abilities. Billy has a purpose, now, a drive : to protect Earth and its inhabitants, and he couldn’t have dreamt of a better mission. The universe is counting on their team, and he doesn’t intend to let it down.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He’s hanging out in his room with his friends. He’s been in a rough spot the last couple of days, but now he’s feeling better despite the creeping exhaustion. Zack and Trini are loudly playing Mario Kart on his console, whooping and yelling at every win or setback. Kim is watching them with an amused smile, nibbling on one of the cookies Billy’s mom brought in a few minutes ago. Billy is waiting for his turn to play, stretched out on his bed with his legs on Jason’s lap, who managed to fall asleep despite all the noise. The room is pleasantly warm and he feels safe.

Yeah, he’s gonna be okay.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm mad that everyone's only talking about how Billy's death affected Jason instead of how Billy's death affected Billy himself, thus not allowing him to react to his own death. I've literally seen stuff where Billy was comforting Jason about his own death lmfao ! So I wrote Billy actually reacting to his death and dealing with the fact that he died in a painful way. I couldn't stop thinking about him and what he went through, I love him so much.
> 
> Please comment if you liked it :)
> 
> \--------------  
> As usual, a big thanks to my [beta reader](http://wouriqueen.tumblr.com//) <3
> 
> Also, a huge thanks to [milemorales](http://milemorales.tumblr.com/) and another great person for their help :)
> 
> Find me on Tumblr [here](http://scottmccute.tumblr.com/) !


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